One of the best things about a birthday is having cake for breakfast the next morning.
I have been curled up on the couch lightly drumming the keys for several minutes thinking of what I want to say. As I have mentioned before, this blog is like a journal to me. I have a little notebook where I plan/budget and make never-ending to-do lists, but I like to record memories and feelings, too.
A few nights ago, I had only been asleep for an hour when the loud neighbors woke me up with their tequila-induced laughter and the thump of the bass of their crappy music. I tossed and turned, pulled the comforter over my head, buried my head in a mound of pillows, and tried to find peace in the rhythm of the my breaths. More high-pitched laughter. Ugh. I rolled over, sighed, checked the time. Now I am wide awake. My eyes began adjusting to the light and I looked around my room, blinking. I felt wetness on my cheeks and realized I was crying. I had been thinking about how if M was lying next to me, he'd cup my face so that his big hands were covering my ears. Then I'd find sleep. I always do when he covers my ears. My mind began reeling with memories of M, all the things we'd do together when we lived in the same town.
And then, the lump formed. For me it usually forms before I start crying, but sometimes the lump comes with the tears. The lump is a knot in your throat that makes it hard to breathe; it makes the back of your eyes hurt and it makes your spine tighten.
Usually I am nostalgic. This week, though, I have been impatient for the future. I am looking forward to all the things M and I will do when we live in the same town again. I don't know when we'll be doing things like picking out paint for the living room and taking our dog for long walks; still, the desire remains.
Living with three of my best girlfriends, drinking copious amounts of gas station Diet Cokes, doing the crossword puzzle at three in the afternoon, selfishly shopping daily for jeans and trinkets, having cake for breakfast... I have it good. No, I have it great. And perhaps down the road when I am cozied up with M, after the trash has been taken out and the laundry has been folded, I will think back to the days when I lived in this apartment with three of my favorite people - to the nights when I couldn't sleep, to the moments I dreamed of living with M, and I'll miss it. I know I will. But, for now, I'm counting the moons until I'm snuggling M again.
Don't get me wrong; I love living with my girlfriends. I love when we all sit on the couch and read Glamour and tell stories from our days. I love lamenting over projects and exams coming up with them. I love when we have a big meal together. Or when someone makes a batch of brownies, and the gooey treats are gone within a day. I love living with my girlfriends who make me laugh, inspire me, and make bad days bearable. I just didn't picture missing him as much as I do.
Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I'll be spending mine biking, baking, and - of course - missing M.